Women who think their sex life is lacking often assume it’s because they don’t have a perfect body. False. Or, they imagine they are inadequate because they don’t act like a porn star. False again. So, if the problem isn’t their lack of perfection or acting ability, what is keeping these women from experiencing great sex? The answer usually lies in some very common mistakes.
Here are five of the most common:
1. Too-subtle initiation. Women think men should be able to read their minds when they are in the mood for sex. So, she can get frustrated when her subtle hints go unnoticed. A slight glance, or saying “I’m going upstairs,” or cuddling on the couch while watching TV just don’t scream “SEX!” to the male brain – especially if he is the primary initiator and there has been a great deal of refusal.
The fix: Men, just like women, want to be desired. So, tell him directly that he’s attractive and desirable and you want him in your bed. Like, “I love your body and can’t wait to feel you,” or, “I’m really in the mood to make love with you tonight!” Or touch him intimately so there is no mistake where you are going.
2. Failing to repeat sexual wishes. “I told him what I like!” sighs Patricia, “But he never remembers; I guess he just doesn’t want to do that.” When sex is at a roar, the male ability to compartmentalize screens out all distractions. Unfortunately, his filter and single-mindedness can be too thorough and can keep him from recalling the nuances of how you like to be touched.
The fix: Remind him. Say, “I still need a little time before I like that,” or “Touch me like this for a while longer.”
3. Focusing on body flaws. A good thing about male compartmentalization is the joy of being present. In his mind, he is usually overjoyed at the opportunity to be with a real, live, naked woman, to feel her warm skin against his, and have the freedom to touch her everywhere. Women, meanwhile, are often in their heads worrying about their body flaws rather than feeling the same liberty of primal pleasure. She diminishes her feelings of arousal with self-criticism.
The fix: Distract the inner critic by paying attention to your breath. Feel yourself breathe without trying to regulate your breathing. Come into your body. Create tension in your pelvis by squeezing your Kegel muscles. Focus on what feels pleasurable.
4. Worrying about doing it right. The essential ingredient for pleasing anyone is your own pleasure in touching. In sex therapy, women often ask about technique for giving oral sex or manual stimulation. The anxiety in the question is a clue that she is not relaxed and exploring her own sensations of touch.
The fix: Enthusiasm is the great gloss-over for any sexual inexperience. Ask your partner what they like. Request a demo for a particular technique.
5. Touching too lightly. Most men are turned on by female assertiveness and by touch that is direct and passionate. The mistake both genders make is by touching the way they like to be touched. Men complain in sex therapy, that she doesn’t make a move to touch his genitals directly until invited or assumes that once he’s erect he doesn’t need it.
The fix: Reach out and touch him with some serious pressure and aggression. Wrap your arms and legs around him tightly. Initiate a passionate kiss during intercourse.
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